Mutual dislike and distrust, or apathy bordering on estrangement blight many a sibling relationship in adulthood – and this can worsen as we age due to life stage transitions and differing opinions on family matters. Research published in the Journal of Social Sciences showed that almost 30% of brother or sister relationships can be defined as “apathetic,” with another 6% defined as “hostile”.
In researching for his book, co-authored with Michael E Woolley, Adult Sibling Relationships, Dr Geoffrey Greif found that one in five (21%) of interviewees had a strained relationship with their adult siblings. The cosy ideal of supporting each other through the ups and downs of life like the Waltons siblings just isn’t realistic.
Why our sibling relationships matter
Love them or hate them, your relationship with a sibling can be hugely significant. One study published by the Children and Family Research Centre found that the adult sibling relationship can have as significant an influence on a person’s life as the childhood one. They are the longest lasting relationships in most people’s lives, and, in an ideal world, they can provide support, companionship and a sense of security – factors that can become significant as we age and endure life’s pitfalls.
In numerous studies, sister-sister sibling pairs had closer relationships than brother-brother or brother-sister pairs. According to a study published by the Journal of Psychology and Behavioural Science, firstborns rated their sibling relationships as more positive and prioritised family more than last-born siblings, who described their relationships as being the worst compared to first and middle-born children. Even 18 months between siblings can mean big changes in family circumstances and the way individuals are educated.
“Every family is its own unique system, with parents and siblings occupying different roles and fulfilling (or not) different expectations or stereotypes. We might be the peacemaker, the problem solver, the livewire, the rebel and so on,” says counsellor Georgina Sturmer. “In some families this system operates cohesively, and in others it leads to clashes and collisions,” says Sturmer.
Dr Greif told Andrew G Marshall on his therapy podcast The Meaningful Life: “Life is full of ambivalence, so we may want our sibling to do well but not as well as us. Sibling rivalry is normal, and we don’t always have positive feelings towards them.”
Why sibling relationships can turn toxic
It’s hard to break toxic habits that were established from a young age, says Sturmer. This makes the fairytale sibling relationship difficult to achieve and maintain: “The family setting is the birthplace of our attachment behaviours and defences. The place where we learnt whether we were loveable, likeable and acceptable, and where we formed our early defence mechanisms. When we feel under threat in some way, this activates our ‘attachment alarm system’”.
Attachment theory tells us that from the moment we are born, we look to those around us to determine how to elicit attention or affection. When we are stressed or anxious, our ‘attachment alarm system’ sounds, triggering responses that we formed in our earlier years. Sibling relationships can often trigger ‘old’ feelings of anger, resentment, frustration and so on – things that we might have ‘grown out of’ in our adult relationships,” says Sturmer.
There are key pressure points in sibling relationships that can cause major friction. Therapist Karen Bashford says “Many people find their sibling relationship gets worse after one of them goes through divorce. Conflict over care for ageing parents can erupt. And another pressure point can be the influence of the sibling’s spouse. Or there can be a financial aspect – your sibling may resent your financial comfort while they’re struggling.” Equally they may resent the parental help you receive, especially if it’s financial.
“A major factor in dysfunctional sibling relationships can be rivalry over parents’ love. No matter what kind of relationship you have, it all comes down to how you feel loved and how you perceive that love is being given to your sibling. Even in our 60s and 70s, these feelings can erupt,” says Bashford.
And siblings always know exactly what buttons to push to cause maximum distress. While they got on well as children, the relationship between Gina and her brother Harry corroded when, in their 30s, he offered her ex a safe harbour when she and her husband split up. “He took my ex’s side, picking him up from the marital home and putting him up for a while. He even invited him to my father’s funeral without consulting me. It was my sister-in-law’s controlling behaviour that led to our fallout. Even when I tried to approach him for help with my mother’s care once she got dementia, I was shot down. Since she died, I have had no contact with my brother.”
These destructive relationships can be hugely damaging. One study found that tension in sibling relationships was associated with depressive symptoms in middle aged adults. “I’ve really struggled with the fallout with my sister. I’ve even had therapy for it,” says Claudia. “I sometimes feel like I miss her, but in reality I miss the thought of us getting on as sisters should,” says Claudia.
How to improve a toxic sibling relationship
Sibling strife is not set in stone. “These relationships can shift during a lifetime,” says Dr Greif. “Just because you haven’t spoken for two years, you could be influenced by a book, a film or the death of a parent to feel compelled to reconnect with that sibling.”
And healing the rift is well worthwhile. Greif’s research found that estrangement from your own sibling can mean you’re passing on the idea that you can fall out with your siblings to your offspring, influencing your own children’s sibling relationships.
Ask yourself what you want from the relationship, says Bashford, as this will help you decide if it’s a relationship you want to improve – or that even can be improved. “We choose how we want to be hurt. You can choose to think ‘He’s having a bad day’ rather than taking umbrage at a brother’s spiteful comment.” You can set boundaries: “Let them know what’s not acceptable for you and what you need. If they’ve really hurt you, tell them – unless you tell them, how can they change?”
After an extended silence, Claudia had to email Angela when their dad’s health deteriorated. “Initially we kept it business-like, dealing with practical arrangements, but we were both devastated at his condition, and as our emotions spilled out I found myself opening up about how her spitefulness had made me feel. There were many tears and she wouldn’t fully accept how hurtful she’d been. But at least I said my piece.”
As Claudia has found, you don’t have to stay trapped in your family role – but if you want to change it, you have to respond as an adult, not a child. This means being prepared to say what you feel without laying blame, but also prepared to hear it back from your siblings.
How to protect yourself from the worst
We feel we should get on – we say: ‘but they’re family!’ – but the fact is these relationships can be very fraught. “It’s hurtful to not feel loved by our siblings who we feel should be there for us through thick and thin, and when these relationships break down it can leave us distraught, betrayed, even guilty that we’ve somehow failed,” says therapist Vic Paterson.
The challenge is coming to terms with any grief that we feel about this relationship with a sibling. “Understand your default role within the family system. This isn’t just about your relationship with this sibling, it’s also about the broader family picture, and the roles that others expect us to play,” says Sturmer.
Claudia has realised her unwanted role as family peacemaker doesn’t have to endure. “I’d hoped we could be closer,” she says of her relationship with Angela, which is still tenuous. “But I’m not prepared to be a doormat to make that happen.” Paterson says “It’s possible that we are holding onto an idealised view of how the relationship might be. Build your own support network, whether it’s inside or outside of the family.”
Create your own family with friends who understand and support you. “Sometimes it’s best to accept, as difficult as it is, that these people don’t know the adult you and don’t see you as your colleagues or friends see you,” adds Paterson. “Accept that you can’t have the Disney relationship but stay in touch by email. Be kind to yourself and let go of the guilt.”
*Names have been changed