However, a while later, she received an anonymous message âKate, check Tinder â your husband is on there and I think you should knowâ.
She did and found her husbandâs profile. She confronted him and he admitted heâd used the app for an ego boost. He said he was down and wanted the attention. He claimed he wasnât going to act on it. The matches he got just made him feel wanted. Things went downhill from there, and they split.
But is it really cheating to look at pictures of other women or men when you are in a relationship? Where is the line?
If you message a woman on a dating app too far? Probably. But what if you talk to someone on the street or at work that you find attractive but donât and never intend to act on it? As the saying goes, âI gave my heart to this marriage, not my eyesâ.
What about scrolling through Instagram looking at the beautiful people? What about blue content? What about walking down the street and thinking impure thoughts about other people? Thatâs involuntary.
The amygdala is a small almond-shaped ancient part of our brain that scientists believe motivates action. As British psychiatrist Dr Joseph Troncale writes, itâs in charge of âfight, flight, feeding, freezing up, and fornicationâ. You might see someone and feel attracted before you even think about it. Thatâs hardly your fault. As long as the reasoning parts of your brain choose not to act on your primitive attraction, you shouldnât have to end a relationship.
What Tim was doing was dishonest not only to his wife but also to the woman he was matching with and leading on. But you can have some sympathy. Tim was sad, and he wanted attention. We have all felt that way at some point in our lives. Tim was a window shopper with no intention of buying.
As one texter said, âItâs fine to look at the menu as long as you donât orderâ, or as another put it, âlook at the menu but eat at homeâ. That was my gut feeling at the start of the conversation, but boy, did things heat up.
You would be surprised how many New Zealanders follow Matthew 5:28 (even if they donât know they are): âBut I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heartâ. The softer version of this view was put this way by a caller, âHe was having an affair of the mind, and thatâs still a type of affairâ.
Another caller, Phil, explained, âItâs not technically cheating, but this guy Tim had started walking on the slippery slopeâ.
A number of people pointed out a better way to approach his want for attention. This guy Tim could have told her he was feeling down and needed something. She might have been able to give it to him.
A caller Josh said Tim should have tried sending the kind of âhotâ messages you might send on an app to his partner, and he may have found what he needed at home.
Another said, âI think the line has been crossed when you start LICKING the menu while looking into your wifeâs eyesâ. Responding to all these menu-related metaphors, a texter told me, âDescribing women as food and men picking off the menu is gross and disgusting … I wish u could live like a woman for a week and see what we have to put up with!!! Ew Matt you are yuk! Stop with the Menus stuffâ. To which I responded, âWomen have been known to order off the menu tooâ.
So, after an hour of furious discussion, was I any closer to answering the question, âIs it cheating if you scroll through dating apps but donât go on dates?â Probably not, but everyone agreed it wasnât a sign of a healthy relationship. As a caller said, âIf youâre doing something you are scared your partner will find out about, itâs nearly always wrongâ.
To get to the bottom of the question, on a more personal level, I asked my partner how she would feel if she found me on a dating app. She smiled and said why donât you ask yourself how you would feel if you found me on a dating app. I said, âs*** … good point … you arenât, are you?â, and suddenly I had my answer. Tim, you dirty bastard, get off the apps.
Matt Heath hosts afternoons on Newstalk ZB with Tyler Adams, and writes a weekly newsletter, A Life Less Punishing you can read for free at mattheath.substack.com