Start outside the bedroom…
I’m not talking about telling your partner you need them to start taking out the trash before you completely lose it (though let’s be honest, you should probably do that too). Instead, there’s a touch-based exercise every couple should try that builds your communication skills in a platonic setting, making it easier to translate that confidence into the bedroom.
Set a timer for your preferred duration (I recommend 10 minutes each), and have one partner give the other a non-sexual massage. The goal is for the partner being massaged to communicate exactly how and where they want to be touched, being as “picky” and changing their mind as often as they like until they’re receiving touch that’s exactly what they’re craving.
To get to this point, they could give feedback on the pace, pressure, the position they want to be in, and anything else that enhances their experience.
While the partner giving the massage can always set a boundary and decline anything they’re uncomfortable with, their role is to practise gracefully listening and acting on the feedback given, with the intention of making the experience as good as possible for their partner.
Once the timer goes off, swap roles so you can both become confident giving and receiving feedback in a neutral, low-pressure way.
‘It’s so much harder to do this with sex though…’
You can transfer this practice exactly as it is into sex to build your comfort communicating in a more intimate moment.
However, when it’s time to do this, I recommend communicating with a focus on the positives.
Telling your partner, “I don’t like that” is likely to be poorly received. Instead, you can use phrasing like “I loved when you touched me like _____ last week. Could you do that again?”, or “I think it would feel so good if you went a little slower. Can we try that?”
By stressing what you do like instead of what you don’t, this helps to protect your partner’s feelings and get them excited to give you the maximum amount of pleasure possible, until communicating in bed feels like second nature.
A bonus quick tip…
Knowing what language is most effective and practising outside the bedroom is helpful, but for some people, it’s still going to be tricky to get the words out of their mouth.
If that sounds like you, try Mel Robbins’ five-second rule. When you need an extra boost of motivation to share what you know you want to say, start counting backwards from five in your mind. According to her, this “interrupts the patterns of thought and behaviour that are holding you back”, making it easier to act on the impulse before you get to zero, instead of hoping yet again that your partner will be able to read your mind.
Sofie Louise is an Auckland-based trained sex and libido coach who is passionate about supporting women in reclaiming their sexuality.