Sometimes revealing your romantic disappointments to others can make you relatable, likable and vulnerable in an empowering way. โAfter a messy breakup, I was embarrassed to admit the ugly details. But my mom and girlfriends really took care of me,โ said Kal Phillips, a 23-year-old digital marketer in West Hollywood, California. โIt was very grounding. Laughing and crying together made the sad story seem much less tragic โ and more survivable.โ
2. Celebrate your freedom
โI feel more liberated being on my own,โ said Jeff Vasishta, a divorced 56-year-old entertainment journalist in Bethlehem, Pennsylvania. โIโm no longer walking on eggshells all the time. I can focus on myself and my work. Since I was unhappy at home, I went back to finish my graduate degree, which revitalised my career.โ He added that heโs now free to look for jobs in other states, โsomething I wouldnโt have considered if I hadnโt had the need to reinvent myself after we splitโ.
3. Seek professional help
If youโre having trouble getting over the hurt, exploring your feelings with someone you trust can be a good way to process pain. โA broken heart can trigger memories of early trauma,โ said Manhattan psychiatrist Carlos Saavedra. โOftentimes a mental health expert can help you navigate why youโre so stuck, grief-stricken or disturbed.โ
After a horrible breakup with a boyfriend whoโd lied to me about everything, I appreciated when my therapist reminded me, โYouโre only guilty of believing what someone you love told you.โ
4. Find the silver lining
Wonderful things can come from a failed relationship. โI still love skiing, though the guy who taught me is history,โ recalled Ruth Bonapace, a 70-year-old mortgage loan officer in Leonia, New Jersey. โI feel gratitude for my amazing son.โ
โMy former husband is now a friend who supports me in doing whatโs right for our child, despite our differences,โ said Puloma Mukherjee, a 44-year-old investment analyst in Manhattan. โWeโre better exes than we were spouses.โ Thirty-eight years after Juan Gaddis, a 67-year-old DC property manager, ended a romance, he is still close to his exโs three children. โIโm still her emergency contact and the kids are my family,โ Gaddis said.
5. Redefine forgiveness
โThere are ways to forgive someone who harmed you that are personal and not performative, where youโre not a punching bag or doormat,โ said Itโs Not You author Ramani Durvasula, a psychologist in Los Angeles.
She recommended learning to set boundaries โand work on feeling whole and safe. You can decide to forgive but never speak to the person again if thatโs healthier for you. You donโt even have to tell them they are forgiven. Authentically letting go of the resentment is about you, not the other person.โ
6. Reflect on your role in the breakup
Even if your ex is a total jerk, examine why you picked them. Or consider whether they just put the nail in the coffin of a union that was already dead. โItโs smart to question whether your story of being the only one wronged here is the whole truth. It rarely is,โ said Love in 90 Days author Diana Kirschner, a psychologist in Boca Raton, Florida.
โIt can be a powerful and brave act to admit your own mistakes. It might release you from feeling like a victim and eliminate the powerlessness that brings.โ
7. Ask for reparations
After you split with a partner, there are varied methods to achieve closure. โIf you feel wronged, ask for more alimony, child support or a cash payout,โ said divorce coach Amy Polacko, co-author of the book โFramedโ and a single mom in Ridgefield, Connecticut. โLiving comfortably can have a huge impact on your emotional state and make it easier to create your next chapter.โ
8. Write a letter
Instead of bottling up your feelings, ask someone in your past for an apology, pose questions or detail what haunts you most. While you donโt have to send it, sometimes itโs beneficial if you do. Author Deborah Copaken wrote to the fellow college student whoโd raped her after a party 30 years before.
She thought heโd deny her accusation or ignore it. Instead, he immediately confessed that he was blackout drunk at the time and didnโt remember. Now sober, he told her, โOh my God, Iโm so sorry. Iโm so sorry,โ which she found liberating. โI have absolutely forgiven him,โ Copaken said. โAnd itโs the most beautiful thing in the world.โ
9. Make art from your pain
Bob Dylanโs breakup album Blood on the Tracks is critically acclaimed. More recently, Taylor Swift has made a cottage industry of songs about her former lovers. While my memoir about my exes didnโt turn into a film grossing millions, it did sell to Random House, launching my career and making the romantic agony Iโd suffered feel worth it, as if Iโd just been doing research. As Nora Ephron said, โEverything is copy.โ
10. Embrace your future
Manhattan teacher Kate Walter, 75, was shocked when her long-term girlfriend broke up with her after 26 years together. But Walter worked through her sadness in therapy, then found a larger apartment and a new church, and landed a job promotion earning a higher salary.
The better her life became, the less resentment she felt. The happier you are in the here and now, the easier it will be to let go of regrets from your past, with or without forgiveness.